Edi ikaw na lang mag presidente!
The sharp, acidic pang of tarpaulin ink takes over me. I am both nauseated and excited by the stench, for it is the smell of victory—the victory that will be won over by the confident yet polite political smile, the self-assured yet approachable posture, and the words, “Ako na lang mag presidente!”, plastered in big, bold, red on a background of cloudy blue skies. For I, Cora Contrabida, the longest standing student of the University and by far, the most ‘daming sabe of them all, will run for President of the Republic of the Philippines.
Finally, may maiaambag na ako!
It took me a good second, but when the passionate bots and trolls of Facebook suggested na ako na lang mag presidente after I posted a heavily researched and meticulously worded critique of the administration, I realized, what was stopping me? It was at that moment that the world became my oyster.
So I prepared, and I began my journey of climbing the national political ladder and ousting he who shall not be named by myself. They made it sound so easy: if you thought the government could be doing better, why not do it yourself? As if having an opinion equates to immediately being qualified. As they say, everyone’s a critic—now everyone’s a president I guess!
It’s high time I put the welfare of this country into my own hands.
Printing my 4×6 campaign tarpaulin was only the first task in my to do list. I had an entire day of exciting workshops and self-help sessions on being the best president my loving trolls could ever hope for. Next thing on the list: capturing the hearts of my voters through song and dance. Some may not know this, but being a competent politician comes only second to being a top notch entertainer. After all, those with aspirations in the field of politics do become rising celebrity sensations in the eyes of the public. When I become a politician, I am to be adored, to be worshipped, to be sung with praises, and to be protected by those who would dare defile my image—and the only way to do that is through dancing the budots. So dance the budots I will.
On another note, I have also enrolled myself to a nighttime foreign language class in a local University to freshen up on my Mandarin. International diplomatic ties should still be upheld even when I’m president, so I thought it best to keep our bond with the motherland strong and indisputable. I wouldn’t want all that shameless sucking up to a global superpower be all for naught. Province of ChiChi whomst’ve?
I’ve also started my own Facebook page, called Alliance of Committed Cora Defenders, and from what I can see, there’s been a very significant surge of followers from Facebook profiles that were created only this month. Let me tell you, the support is overwhelming and very much welcome! I vowed to put my extensive platform to great use, it’s not everyday I get to speak on behalf of my constituents who are looking up to me for guidance and assistance. As practice to become the next president, I’ve also opted to send out notices and announcements about my campaign in the middle of the night, sometimes even at the brink of dawn! I like to think what I have to say is of great import, and that I am in a very advantageous position of having other people adjust for me and never vice versa. And to think that I haven’t even won the election yet! Imagine the press begging for a glimpse of me at three in the morning during the most troubling times of our country. I never knew being this powerful was also this comfortable. Sarap ng buhay! Ganito na lang tayo palagi ah!
But the challenge to become the best president in the history of the Philippines doesn’t stop there. I have one thing left to do, one thing that has kept the presidential position powerless and incapable of protecting its own people. They said our president couldn’t help with the Typhoons and the victims of its aftermath because the president wasn’t physically capable of stopping natural disasters. “Di naman kaya pigilan ng pangulo ang bagyo ah,” they said. Well, they haven’t met me.
Not only will I become the next president because they told me to, but I will prove to them that I can be better than those before me. I will train day in and day out, through rain or through shine, to swim upcurrent and traverse floodwaters, without the Presidential Security Group (PSG) stopping me from trying. I will become my own rescue team, a one woman army, a presidential mutant superhero—because that is what’s expected of me.
If I become president, I won’t be there to be the face and voice of the country, I won’t just stand there and be the symbol of strength against calamity, be the hope that those who govern us will be those who protect us—I will go up face to face with Death himself, and order him to wait until a vaccine is ready before he starts killing my people, because that is who I am—no longer a concerned citizen communicating my concerns for my country, but the complete embodiment of Filipino resiliency itself. I will be the resiliency that keeps this country afloat. Who knows if we’ll have a need for a government then?
If, for any reason, that I cannot perform my duties as the President of the Republic of the Philippines, I urge you, my dear citizens, not to take on the streets and protest my incompetence, not to voice your concerns over my ineptitude on social media platforms, and not to gather as a nation to call out for my resignation—because I will offer to step down myself. Although I won’t the first time of course. Neither the second time, nor the third. I will send a sad boi group message to all of you like it’s 2013, guilt you for the burden that you put on me as a president since tao pa rin ako, and thank you for the memories. Expertise in gaslighting the common folk was no. three in skills needed for presidency. Don’t ask me what the first and second were (proficiency in profanity and a mastery for cleanup projects).
All in all, my future looks bright. Gone are the days of being shackled by social media, and gone are my futile attempts to make our concerns known to those who govern us—I can finally make a tangible impact in society. Because that is the true way—the only way, in fact.
The only way to be of service to this country is to be the president.
And be the president I shall.C